The Fight Of My Life Inspired by Pamela Karanova

August 13, 1974 the fight began, the minute I was born my birth-mother ran. Conceived out of a drunken one-night stand with a married man, did my tiny body ever feel her warm soft hands?

A sacred bond would be broken too soon, I can imagine the sorrow in the delivery room.

I spent the next 4 days in the nursery all alone, but I’ve always wanted to know…  

Did she name me?

Did she hold me?

Did she love me?

Did she think about me?

Who was she? 

Just like that, at the stroke of her pen she never wanted to see me again. She signed the dotted line robbing me of the history that was mine. My birth father knew nothing of my existence. During her pregnancy my birth mother was persistent in keeping her distance. 

My history is to be forgotten.

Adopted Unknown

Case Closed

Records- SEALED!

Parents unknown

I was born fighting, the fight of my life, will ever know my birthright? What was the beginning of my life like?

Baby Girl A was looking for a forever home, adopted by a couple who couldn’t have kids of their own. An outsider looking in is all I’ve ever known. My truth is kept captive, did they forget that one day I would be grown?  

Who’s fingers and toes do I have?

Why am I so tall? 

When she signed the dotted line, she took it all.

 

It’s time for me to take back what was taken from me. I’m going to fight for what’s mine because my birth mothers the woman I’ve dreamed about knowing since the beginning of time. 

After spending a lifetime of searching all around, I experienced the biggest letdown. My biological parents didn’t want to be found. My heart shattered in a million pieces all over the ground. 

Abandoned and rejected not once but twice by the two people who should love me the most. I was a walking dead woman, invisible like a ghost. Most of my life feeling hallow and empty inside. A dark cloud followed me everywhere I went, most days it was difficult to get out of bed.

Alcohol took the pain away for 27 years but as long I was running from the tears, the pain will never disappear. I have children to live for and I wanted to preserver. I'll spend the rest of my life unraveling the damage adoption has done. 

THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE 

August 13, 1974 the fight began the minute I was born my birth mother ran. She snatched up my truth and she took it and fled. “She loved you so much” is all that was said.

How do you love someone and leave?

I’ve accepted love is a topic that isn’t for me. 

The fight of my life, August 13, 2012 was the day I put that alcohol back on the shelf. Now it’s time to start the lifelong process of finding myself. It’s been almost 7 years of processing pain, living alcohol free. I’ve been able to embrace the journey of finding me. 

Because of adoption I’ve accepted I will always have a hole in my heart. It’s shredded into a million parts but each day I wake up, I’m thankful for a fresh start.

Fighting for my truth has been the fight of my life, this has been one hell of a fight. Now that I have my truth, I can see the light.

None of us can control the hand we were dealt but I recognize adoption has caused me the most pain I’ve ever felt, no doubt. I’ve accepted these were the cards I was dealt.

Adoption has exhausted all parts of me. I’m tired of being sad, I’m tired of being mad. I’ve learned the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Whats the key to healing for me? I needed to be the one to SEE instead of everyone else telling me.

Adoption has caused me the most pain of my life but turning this pain into purpose is the only way I’ll survive. TODAY I’m an adoptee in recovery and I deserve to thrive. 

Pamela Karanova is an adult adoptee who resides in Lexington, KY. She has 3 adult children who are the lights of her life, as well as 2 dogs. She's a Private Caregiver/ Team Leader for a elderly woman and she's been with her for 14 years. She's an avid waterfall chaser, hiker, nature love and adventurist. She loves the simple things in life like hot tea, sunrises, sunsets,  bonfires and time spent with friends and family. You can follow her journey at www.pamelakaranova.com 

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